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Nul Points!

Published on 22 May 2013
Updated on 05 April 2024

A diplomatic fall-out from Saturday’s Eurovision contest has embroiled heads of State and Foreign Ministers: apparently some points assigned to the Russian entry by Azeri televoters have gone missing. These would have made no difference to the outcome, but they evidently matter enough to have prompted the Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, to accuse the  points of having been “stolen” from Russia and to warn that “this outrageous action will not remain without a response”. He has also referred to Azerbaijan’s nul points to Russia an “outrage.” (BBC: ‘Azerbaijan’s Eurovision snub ‘outrageous’)

Azerbaijan’s President Ilham Aliyev has ordered an inquiry into the missing votes, and Foreign Minister Elmar Mammadyarov, referred to the missing-point mystery a “detective story”.

Meanwhile, the President of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, upset that Russia awarded nuls points to the Belarusian singer, is claiming foul play.

Little did I suspect, while musing about the relative success of Eurovision over politicians in uniting Europe, that a diplomatic fall-out rather than a let-us-sing-our-hearts-out would be the outcome of this year’s competition. Ah well, here is my rondeau redoublé anyway:


It’s the worst thing and the best thing ever
Bad song? Can’t sing? Hum it, ham it, hype it!
Dingalingaling, tralalalala
Teardrops, bare-feet, Vikings, vampires, pirates.

Nul points? No way! Win it with a gimmick
Bat wings, monsters – Hard Rock Hallelujah
Bucks Fizz capers – sexy little skirt-trick.
It’s the worst thing and the best thing ever!

Nul points? The shame! “wid’ya like to suck it – Sir?”
In-flight ‘sweetie’ (nerdy little nit-wit)
Not quite kosher, broadcast on Blue Peter
Bad song? Can’t sing? Hum it, ham it, hype it!

Nul points? Not us – Humperdinck will crack it.
First up, bad luck – bring on Bonnie Tyler!
Last thrice? Shut up! unmentionable hat trick
Dingalingaling, tralalalala.

Nul points? Give all – the full extravaganza!
Sprayed skin, camp winks, blinging pyrotechnics
Crooners, coo-ers – Denmark this year’s winners!
Teardrops, bare-feet, Vikings, vampires, pirates.

EU? Nul points – Eurovision wins it!
Acquis? Accord? tralalalala
In-out, UKIP – yaboo to Pros and Sceptics
Dingalingaling does Europe so much better.
That’s the worst thing!



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